Always been daddy's girl. I miss you Jairosi Saiz Kwetemu. I love you daddy....

28^th March 2014

“My darling Nikolas,

You were suddenly taken away from me on the 16^th of February 2014. You were sitting right by my side when the Lord God took you from us. I miss you more than words can say, more than anyone can ever imagine. I am still in shock; the information has not yet been grasped by my confused brain. None of it is making any sense to me, I feel like I am trapped in a web of my thoughts. Why did you have to do this to me Nikolas? Why did you leave us in such a disturbing manner, leaving me scarred for life? 

Despite the anger and confusion, I am glad that you died around people you loved, your angels, and your family that loved you very much. The girls cry for you every day, they miss you my darling. 

Nikolas I hope you do not hate me for what happened. I hope you do not blame me. I am so sorry for the great pain I have caused your family, especially mum. She is grieving for you Nikolas, her heart is broken, I broke your mother’s heart Nik and it pains me every single day just to think about it. Please reach out to her and help her heal. See you soon my sweetheart. Rest in Peace my Nikolas. Love you always, till we meet again,

 Your Nicolette xxx”

“Vese varikuchemera smoko. Hanzi vakomana ve smoko muchauya rini? Usandirambidza ndoda kuzvionera ndega Babe rega kuchema ndichauya mangwana”.

But you never came back.…

You left me for good.

The girls miss you. I miss you.

Time has not healed unfortunately. It was a bullet that ricocheted and wounded innocent people. We are all still suffering from the wounds and the pain. It has been nine years two months.

Let the girls free, sweetheart.

They have suffered enough. Yes, your girls were hit the most. Devastating. Tragic with a horrible twist.

“My darling Nikolas,

I love you.

I meant it when I told you that I too was in love with you. You never believed me, maybe now from where you are, you can see through my heart and know how genuine I was to you. I have always loved you Nikolas even though the going often got rough between us. I miss you so much my love. I told you before Nik, that the world is not the same without you. I need you. I want you to want me and hold me like you used to, tightly in your arms like you would never let go. I miss sniffing your scent so I could always remember you. When you were not lying next to me, I would sleep with one of your shirts on so I could have you close to me. The smell always felt like you were laying right beside me. 

I enjoyed sleeping with you Nikolas Martins. I loved waking up with you. I always remember how needy you were in the mornings and how I was always at your service, I miss that. I cannot stop crying. I cry every day for you, for the girls and for your mum. She is hurting and there is nothing I can do to ease her pain. You know you used to tell me that you were like a daughter she never had, well the first time I met her, I wanted to be that daughter that she never had. She was warm and open with me; I took a liking to her instantly. When she lectured to you on how you should treat me with respect, I admired that, she never took sides. She accepted me even though I was four years older than you and also the fact that I had two children from a previous marriage; a personality that I honoured. 

I am finding it difficult to accept that you are gone forever. You said you would never leave me, so why did you leave me in such a way Nik? Leaving me in such a way that I would never see you again. It hurts so bad and the pain will not stop, no amount of painkillers is enough to ease the hurt. It feels as if someone is shoving pins into my body every second of the day. I am restless and exhausted.

 They took the girls away from me Nikolas, my children are gone, and so are you. I am left on my own, just me and my empty world. I still have the mental image of us in the car that day. The impact of the crash and your warm blood pouring over me drenching my bright yellow dress and your blood spattered all over the girls’ faces. I am never going to forget you my love, you made sure of that.

 “Nicolette, you are going to be the death of me. I was told that I would be killed by the person that I fall in love with. I will not make it to my forties. I will die at thirty-six, and you Nicolette are going to be a witness to my death. I love you; I have never felt like this for any woman. I don’t know what you have done to me, but I have fallen deeply in love with you, so it is you, who is going to be the death of me. You are going to be my killer Nicolette Wallace”

 These are words you repeated over and over. You told me these words often, but I did not take you seriously. I should have paid attention but then again, who would? No one is supposed to know when death is coming to take them away. I still do not know whether you knew it or whether it was just a coincidence (although as you know, I personally do not believe in coincidences). Over the years, your story remained the same, it never changed, and what freaked me out was the fact that it happened just the way you predicted. I was the driver that crashed the car that killed you and you died two weeks after we celebrated your thirty sixth birthday. Coincidence or fate? Guess I will never know but it is spooky.

 If this was meant to be, then that makes me, a very special part of you. I thank you for choosing me to walk you on your final journey. We used to walk each other everywhere, by phone or in person. I walked with you to the end of your road, it gives me peace in my mind. Many people are not as fortunate to be taken away by death surrounded by loved ones, it is that what makes you special to me Nik and I, special to you. It is that what makes us special to one another and what binds us in eternal love.

 People never understood our love. We both seemed to enjoy the aches and excitement that came with the territory. We could not live with each other and yet we could not stay apart. No matter how vile the situation got, we ended up together again, always. Making up was the greatest part; it was almost as if we picked arguments just so we could enjoy each other more. We were great together but so bad for each other, tragedy was inevitable Nikolas. We both knew it, we talked about it, but the bond we shared was stronger than any reality we were living.

 I now believe, Nikolas that it was supposed to happen the way it happened. I had never quite met a man like you, stubborn. No one could stop you from getting what you wanted, and no-body got away with hurting you. You believed in revenge, yes, you used to say, “Now we are even Stevens” with that smirk on your face showing self-satisfaction. You did not let anybody get in your way when you set your mind on something, always planning and plotting.

 I admired your courage and determination and your lack of fear for anyone. You thought you could fight the world on your own and had so much confidence in yourself. You were smart and very manipulative and that is what made you the man you were, the survivor and the victor. You carried on without a care in this world as if you wore an invisible armour that you knew was protecting you. It was as if you knew that you were not going to be part of this world for long and that you were just passing by.

 A lot of people shut their doors on you, but you found means and ways to survive through another night and another day. Each time I saw you with a fresh wound and I asked how you got it, your response was always the same “Nicolette, I have to survive”. My heart would sink for you, it hurt even more when towards the end, even I, could not help you any longer. Each day passing, I watched you waste away. I watched you slowly drift away from this world, and I could not reach out to you.  Your soul had travelled far away and out of my range.

 Your heart was as hard as steel as if you were dead inside. You showed no emotion, no remorse, and no feeling apart from anger. Yes Nik, you were a terribly angry man, ill-tempered, fast to react and hurt people. The alcohol did not help, it fuelled the negative emotions you carried around and exploded them into a ball of fire. That was part of the reason we ended up on the motorway to disaster. The end of the road.

 Situations got heated up, but I never stopped loving you Nikolas. I wanted us to change. I wanted you to change. I needed you to be the things you were not; I was asking a lot from a man who knew that his existence on this planet was limited. You did not have time to make plans because you knew there was no future. I was a fool who did not listen or pay attention. We could have cherished our time together and appreciated each other more. Nevertheless, my darling, I want you to know that I do not have regrets, our paths were meant to cross and will meet again. You will always have a special place in my heart.

 Love you always and forever. Rest in peace my love, till the day we meet again.

Your forever loving

Nicolette" xxx